i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
