I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
