You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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