just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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