took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
