I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
