I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
