Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
