Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
