I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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