Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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