i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
