I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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