You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
