woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
