The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
