The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
