I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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