I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
