1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
