Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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