So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
