that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
