He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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