How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
