I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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