He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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