I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nicole vs. Life
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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