They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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