I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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