just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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