dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
