my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
