i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
