so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize