talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
