My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you will always have a special place in my vag
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
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