found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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