I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
