I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
