so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
