he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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