Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
