she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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