omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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