Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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