I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
