i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My vagina just clenched in fear
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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