Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
