you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
