Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
