I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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