The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
