Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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