More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and she was petting her beer can
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
