I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
