Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
