I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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