the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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